did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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