She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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