he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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