My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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