3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
