hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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