I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
