just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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