Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Randomize
