I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
