i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
