I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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