youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
