You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
