Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
