Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
