i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
