my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was like his penis was on wheels.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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