I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
