i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
