glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
