My hand turned me down
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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