I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
