Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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