I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
