Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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