Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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