I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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