I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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