Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
