When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
