so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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