I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
be right there i have to get my cape
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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