Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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