i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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