I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
