im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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