My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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