I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
