Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
