I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
