Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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