I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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