I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
