have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
