either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
