Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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