I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
