how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
