i already hear my dad disowning me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
