The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
